What's the point.

What's the point in trying anymore when your happy to say goodbye and not talk to me. You Have other people to replace me with. You don't need me like I need you. You don't miss me like I miss you. You probably don't even love me like I love you. You can easily say goodbye and leave me to be alone. You are happy without me when all I am is miserable. I hate not talking to you, it hurts so much and I hate the thought of you not being happy. I care about you so much, why can't you see that. I hurt so fucking much can't you see. 

Memories.

Yesterday, I was tidying my room, when I saw this box which I have at the bottom of my wardrobe. In it, I found my old shirt from primary school, which our friends signed on the last day of year 6, cards from my first and second birthday, photos of me when I was a baby, and a banner that my auntie made for me when I came home for the first time. I had a look through the box, I hadn't seen it in Years, probably 7 years, before I moved house, so I decided to read all the cards and everything. Some of them were hilarious, like the card from my brother for my 2nd birthday, he wrote "love from matty (I'm your big brother!)" as if I didn't know who he was. I also found some that made me cry, such as ones from my old best friends Harry, Megan and Cameron. When I was four I used to joke that I was going to marry Harry, we used to do everything together. But then he changed and got new friends, and Cameron and Megan didn't go to my school so we lost contact. The cards that hit me hardest was the 3 that my grandpa gave me. He died when I was 8, and we had the best memories together, he was such a good person and he understood me. I remember when I was 5, I went to go visit him, and we went and fed the ducks together. He would joke that he was going to feed me to them. Another time was not long before he Died,  I was 7, we went to a garden centre. He borrowed a mobility scooter, and he would go really fast. And would break all the rules of where he could and couldn't go, he went straight thorough a flower bed. Even his handwriting looks  like mine. Looking through my memories of me and him, it made me think that I used to be so happy, and if I can revisit those memories then I can revisit my happiness too.

 

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Being ill.

Since Monday I have been in bed doing nothing, just watching Pretty Little Liars on repeat and talking to Charlie. I hate being ill, I have no energy and I feel like a poo on legs. So far I have been at home for 3 days, and during these 3 days, I have been overthinking way wayyy too much. Just about ever little thing in my life and I have to admit it has really got me down. I'm trying to be positive, but I don't feel like I'm being successful. I just want to feel better so I can get on with my life, I hate wasting all this time. 

Leaving.

Last night, I tried to kill myself, everything got too much. I physically didn't know how to breathe anymore. I didn't know how to continue with life. However it didn't work. The pills I took weren't strong enough, and when I tried to slit my throat I just fainted. But now, looking back, less than 24 hours later. I am so happy that it didn't work. Even though I do not particullarly want to live this life, I am happy I am not dead. This is because I do not want to hurt the ones who are closest to me. I don't want to cause anyone else pain, I don't want to be selfish like that. I am willing to try and make it through 2015, for my loved ones. For Charlie. For my friends. For my family, especially my brother (no Charlie not for the reasons which you are currently thinking. He is my sibling. Don't be silly ;) ). I am so excited to try and do my best this year. I want to try and move on with my life and improve things, such as myself. My work. My relationships with people. But probably mainly my confidence, not just in myself but socially. I want to be able to go and ask someone something in public. For example in a Restaurant, I want to be able to make my own order. What has got me this far is Charlie, and I know with him I will be able to go a lot further. Maybe to 2016? Who knows? Maybe.  

Arguments.

Wednesday was not such a good day for me, my best friend, was criticising me, for every little thing that I did. On Thursday she was still being wierd around me, she didn't really talk to me, and she was still criticising me. So on Thursday night, I decided to ask her if she was upset or mad at me. Then about 10 minutes later we are in a full argument over text. She said some really hurtful things such as:" I don't know who you are anymore". She brought the past back up, reminding me of who I used to be, and God it hurt. During the argument Charlie (C) was talking to her, he was offering to help her, as she suffers from self harm, seasonal depression and anxiety. Charlie was being nice, but for some reason she has a thing against him, And threw his help back in his face. It was unnecessary, she didn't have to be so mean and rude. She should have just politely declined. She was my best friend, yet she never told me anything, she would only tell the guy which she fancied. But he doesn't care, which is why he stopped talking to her. Yesterday, we had another argument, I just asked her if she could be nicer to Charlie, because he was upset. Then she haut makes it into an argument and starts saying things which she doesn't need to say! Last night, was shit for me, and I still am shit. I cut loads, I am so sad and hurt and I just don't want to do this anymore. She just can't see that I wanted to help her, I wanted to be there for her. But she never let me be. And now Charlie is talking to her, and it hurts having her talk to my boyfriend but not me. I hurt so much and I can't take it anymore, I don't want to be friends again to only get pushed down, as if she's better than me. I want to die. 

Finding hope

September 2014, i met C, after about a month of knowing each other, he asked me out, I said no. About a week later, he asked me out again, I said no, I didn't mean to, so that night on skype I asked him out. We started going out, it was the 1st of October. Ever since we have been together, yes we have had our ups and downs but who doesn't? Ever since we started going out, life for me has improved in many ways. C makes me feel happy and loved, and a few times he has actually made me feel beautiful ( this never used to happen, as I hate my body)  our relationship has been the best thing to me, and I hope it has been for him. C is always there for me, he always knows how to cheer me up when I'm down, he knows how to make me feel special and how to treat me right. He is so sweet and amazing, and I am so so lucky to have him in my life. For me C is also hope. Hope for me having a future, and a good one. He is hope that I will get better and I will get through everything no matter how hard. I love him so much and I am so glad he is mine* 

*i would say more amazing things about him but I don't want to show off about how lucky I am to have him 

Doing nothing

I am so happy it is finally the weekend, I swear this week has been the slowest. It feels like i have done 4 Wednesday's! My weekend is going to consist of attempting to sleep, eating chocolate and watching films in my pyjamas. I have no energy left, yet 6 more weeks of term 😭 

Turning point?

A few days ago I started reading Zoe Sugg's (zoella) book, called girl online. I really enjoyed the book, and i thought it had a good story. But the main thing that I liked about it, is that the main girl Penny has anxiety and has panic attacks. Like I do. And In the book advice was given from character to character about how to help deal with panic attacks. And today I nearly had one myself, but I managed to stop it by trying the advice from the book: to imagine the trigger/fear as an object, give it a colour shape and size. For me, this worked, well it did today. This is the first ever time I have been able to control my fear and anxiety. Hopefully this will be a massive turning point for me. 

Trying to be happy.

Today, I attempted to forget about all the bad stuff. I just wanted to not think about everything and anything that caused me pain. But it didn't work, it just made everything worse, I overthinked. I just lost control of my thoughts, of my own mind. So today didn't go to plan, I had a breakdown after pe, as we were doing volleyball, and this guy, who is horrible, and everyone dislikes him. He just judged me for doing nothing wrong, he talked about me behind my back, even tho I was standing like next to them. I held back the tears for as long as I could until I got to the changing rooms, where I just broke. I know it's pathetic. So the rest of the day I have been feeling down, until I got home and me and C (my boyfriend) spoke. He gave me some amazing advice. He told me to think of the happy things, instead of trying to not think of the bad things. He told me to think of us, to think of my friend and a few of our jokes that we have together. You see when he told me this, something clicked, almost as if things finally slotted into place. It was then that I realised that this may be my way out of my sadness, to finally get through this. So as long as I have a few happy things to think about, maybe everything will be okay? 

Loneliness, emptiness, sadness.

Does anybody ever just feel sad, alone and empty? 

Is there any way in which I can stop feeling like this?

It hurts.

All I want to do is

Become invisible. 

Disappear. 

It isn't like anything would change. 

It would certainly stop myself from feeling like this. 

But then I do not want to do that to C, I don't want to upset him. 

Does anyone understand or am I in this by myself?  

10 things that make me anxious.

1. Crowded places- school corridors for example, too many people in one place at one time. 

2. Getting judged or laughed at- even if I can hear someone laughing around me or even in the distance I'm always paranoid it's about me. 

3. How I look- it makes me uncomfortable with being seen and going out my house. I know this sounds daft, but it's true. 

4. Not fitting in- being the odd one out, whether it be in partners or in a group of people or in a place. 

5. Losing someone I love- such as C, who I love to pieces.

6. Having to talk to people who I either don't know well or they are superior to me, such as teachers, my parents. 

7. Looking or thinking about deep sea (like right now I am shaking). I cannot stand the thought of not knowing what is there or how deep it is. 

8. The fear of people finding out about everything about me. Like self harm. Attempted suicide. Hating myself. Etc etc 

9. Change, I don't mind some change like moving my room around or something like that. But new classes, new people, new teachers. I cannot deal with that. I just get

Stressed and overreact to what really is a normal situation. 

10. Being compared to others and having competition. This happens between girls especially, about who is prettier or nicer or skinnier. But also in my family, I'm always worried I'm going to be compared to my older brother, who did very well at his GCSE's and it makes me scarred that if I don't do as well then I will be forever paying for that. 

Sadness.

Lately I have been feeling really sad. I don't really know how to explain it frankly. It's just like this glow of sadness that is always there in the back of my mind. I don't know if anyone else gets this at all? I have been suffering from self harm for quiet a while now, I was doing really well, then me and my friend had a massive fall out and she just ruined it all. From there my life has been going spiralling down. Getting worse and worse and worse. At the moment, in this very second I am about 5/10 of being fully happy. I am always worrying and stressing and panicking about something in my life, normally either friends, my boyfriend, family, school or just myself. I am a very lucky girl, I have a boyfriend, who I am going to call C on this blog, as I would like us to stay anonymous. He is an amazing guy, we have been going out 3 months, he has been an absolute miracle for my life. He has made me happier, he has stopped me from doing many things such as suicide, self harm etc. His impact on my life is massive and I am so thankful to still have him around and for everything he has done for me. Recently it has been like a war with myself. The happiness against the sadness, and while I may be happy for Short times, it never lasts long enough to stop me feeling bad about myself or stop the pain or urges of cutting, or emptiness. 

A little about me

Hey, 

I'm a teenage girl who lives in England.

I have created this blog to find a way to anonymously express my feelings and I guess to hopefully find some other people who feel the same way which I do. I am not doing this blog for attention or anything like that. I am simply doing this for myself to help myself, and maybe hopefully a few others too (if anyone actually ever reads this). I feel like I should warn you that there will be references to self harm and depression and anxiety. But I will try to keep all that to a minimum. If you wish to know more, just ask!  

Findingmyownmind xx